To Get Through the Election, Use Ozempic

The two major party candidates provide ample reasons for pessimism about the future of the republic. If you’re a fanatical partisan on the left or right, you may find yourself compulsively stuffing your face with gluten-free avocado toast or nacho cheese Doritos, respectively.

Ditto if you’re a double-hating libertarian who is just about ready to give into solipsism.

If you don’t want to become diabetic from nervous snacking as you worry about what a candidate’s most rabid supporters will do if their preferred authoritarian is not elected, you should consider pairing a shot of Ozempic with your election season doomscrolling.

Of course, there are many ways to achieve the caloric golden mean. You could simply get some fresh air and go for a walk. A decidedly less healthful (but significantly more fun) way to shed the pounds is to sate your cravings by smoking a cigarette. Hell, maybe even a carton if you live in a sin-tax-free state. If you live in a swing state, doing 10 push-ups every time you receive a GOTV text could jumpstart a new life of increased upper body strength. However, if you have deep pockets (or generous insurance), you could also consider injecting Ozempic as appetite-suppressing preventative care.

While both major party candidates can seem inhuman, they aren’t lizard people (we are pretty sure). Oddly enough, though, semaglutide does have a reptilian connection: the active ingredient in Ozempic is a synthetic version of a metabolism-suppressing hormone found in Gila monster venom.

Both possible presidential candidates have promised not to touch Medicare, Medicaid, and Veterans Affairs or to expand them. The 42 percent of obese Americans disproportionately avail themselves of these taxpayer-funded transfer programs.

Bipartisan monetary laxity and fiscal irresponsibility aren’t going away anytime soon—though we’re working hard to change that at Reason. Our cravings, both financial and gastronomic, aren’t abating, but thanks to advances in weight-loss pharmaceuticals, we can at least try to compensate for the national sweet tooth. Save yourself money at the grocery checkout by chemically suppressing your insatiable appetite for partisan polling coverage, doom-mongering cable news, and soon-to-be-discounted Halloween candy with semaglutide!

There are myriad side effects for many prescription drugs, and Ozempic is no exception. Side effects include: pancreatitis, blurred vision, hypoglycemia, gallbladder problems, anaphylaxis, and even kidney failure. But don’t fear. The most common side effects are those you’re already experiencing in the run-up to this nightmare of an election: nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, and—presumably not simultaneously—diarrhea and constipation.

So long as you’re already losing your…composure…over former President Donald Trump or Vice President Kamala Harris becoming president, you might as well lose some weight while you’re at it. Likewise, if you’re a libertarian who is nauseated at the prospect of either of the two neo-populists becoming commander in chief of the administrative state, you might as well vomit with purpose. You may even experience a fleeting respite after emptying the contents of your stomach instead of struggling to keep them down while watching Republicans and Democrats compete to outdo the other on counter-productive industrial policy and profligate spending proposals.

A disclaimer: The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has not approved Ozempic for weight loss; it’s only approved for the treatment of Type 2 diabetes. Wegovy, Novo Nordisk’s pharmacologically identical big brother to Ozempic, has been approved by the FDA for weight loss. (Not that most Reason readers care what the FDA does and does not approve.)

Instead of putting on the pounds while rotting in the comfort of your bed, shouting at the partisans on MSNBC, Fox News, or wherever: dose semaglutide. There’s nothing you can do about the outcome anyway—your vote is certainly not the deciding one. Think of this as a chance to jumpstart a healthier lifestyle that lasts well beyond Election Day and keeps you feeling lighter and healthier, no matter who ends up in office.